It comes and goes. Finally! For some it would be a small hell, for me it’s an improvement. Able to focus again, to give time and thought to things that are important. Less frustration, less anger, less fear. There still is pain, there still is uncertainty; but it is fading. Slowly. Going through things one step at a time, not rushing anything – my version of purgatory. It comes fast, it goes slow – always trying to remember that. It will take time.

Going after things in the checklist, trying to regain some control of what’s going on around me. More involved at work, more attentive to friends, more action on things that have been left unattended, but not forgotten. Things are progressing, but not at the speed I would like them to – but I cannot think about that now, I have to give time and space, less control and more acceptance. I keep on wondering if it will stick, who will I be once this is over?

Not everything is improving, not everything shows signs of healing. She still hasn’t come back, she is still in her world – but, again, I must not react; I must wait and try to let things come by themselves. It’s not easy, not when you know how great life once was – how there was hope; and love! She took that away; she says she didn’t mean it – but I am not so sure. There is a rift, a gap I cannot close, and I just can’t seem to let it shut off itself. Fear takes over once more. The itch, the twitch, and everything comes rushing again. It’s not the same, but it’s only a distinction without a difference – a different course of the same meal. I cannot let go, I cannot let things remain the same, I cannot get more involved. Stuck. Keep telling myself: leave it be! You will figure it out at a certain point, but not know. Now you must wait and face it, everyday. Let it consume itself and wait to see what is left. Regroup after the battle, not know.

I was not made for this, probably the reason I have it. People that are ready for it don’t it. It was bad and then it was worse, now it’s bad again. Going on better. Still so much to fix, still so much to go through. I will wait. Not that I have much choice. Curious to see where this will take me.

 

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