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January 2017


By | Thoughts | No Comments

Fire. So simple and elegant. So fragile and yet so strong. It has molded our lives in such a way that you cannot imagine our civilization without it.
From art to religion and science, it has engulfed our thoughts and shaped our minds.
A moment in the muzzle of a gun, a cry in the consummation of a pyre, the amazement that a Bunsen burner brings, the vivid imagination fire creates while it helps propel a spaceship to new horizons by devouring its fuel, the light it creates is the constant that has reshaped our knowledge and its speed is our biggest discovery yet, the feeling of peace while a big ball of fire crosses the sky day after day.
For me fire always represented the inferno, the place of anguish where our thoughts run like rivers, condemned to flow into eternity.

“Of four infernal rivers that disgorge into the burning lake their baleful streams;
abhorred Styx the flood of deadly hate,
sad Acheron of sorrow, black and deep;
Cocytus, nam’d of lamentation loud heard on the rueful stream;
fierce Phlegethon whose waves of torrent fire inflame with rage.
Far off from these a slow and silent stream,
lethe the River of Oblivion rolls her wat’ry Labyrinth whereof who drinks,
for with his former state and being forgets,
forgets both joy and grief, pleasure and pain.”
(John Milton – Paradise Lost)

Mourning is a time where we reflect on the lives that were lost and the ones we have yet to pursue. As a remembrance we light a candle, for nothing lasts more in our memory than a flickering light, making sure it will never let us forget.


By | Anxiety | No Comments

It comes and goes. Finally! For some it would be a small hell, for me it’s an improvement. Able to focus again, to give time and thought to things that are important. Less frustration, less anger, less fear. There still is pain, there still is uncertainty; but it is fading. Slowly. Going through things one step at a time, not rushing anything – my version of purgatory. It comes fast, it goes slow – always trying to remember that. It will take time.

Going after things in the checklist, trying to regain some control of what’s going on around me. More involved at work, more attentive to friends, more action on things that have been left unattended, but not forgotten. Things are progressing, but not at the speed I would like them to – but I cannot think about that now, I have to give time and space, less control and more acceptance. I keep on wondering if it will stick, who will I be once this is over?

Not everything is improving, not everything shows signs of healing. She still hasn’t come back, she is still in her world – but, again, I must not react; I must wait and try to let things come by themselves. It’s not easy, not when you know how great life once was – how there was hope; and love! She took that away; she says she didn’t mean it – but I am not so sure. There is a rift, a gap I cannot close, and I just can’t seem to let it shut off itself. Fear takes over once more. The itch, the twitch, and everything comes rushing again. It’s not the same, but it’s only a distinction without a difference – a different course of the same meal. I cannot let go, I cannot let things remain the same, I cannot get more involved. Stuck. Keep telling myself: leave it be! You will figure it out at a certain point, but not know. Now you must wait and face it, everyday. Let it consume itself and wait to see what is left. Regroup after the battle, not know.

I was not made for this, probably the reason I have it. People that are ready for it don’t it. It was bad and then it was worse, now it’s bad again. Going on better. Still so much to fix, still so much to go through. I will wait. Not that I have much choice. Curious to see where this will take me.


Out of the blue

By | Anxiety | No Comments

It was scary. But they all are. It came out of nowhere, which was somewhat new. It usually tells me it’s coming. Not now. It just came. It was short, at least. Just in the beginning. I stopped it too fast and it didn’t have a chance to consume itself. No problem, it came back later. It took it’s time the second time. But I was in good hands. She did a good job, she let me have it in front of her for the exact time it was needed. Kept the session open for half an hour more after, just to make sure. The recovery was easier too, it lasted a lot less. Is that good news? Would have been better if it didn’t come again at all, but at least I handled it a bit better this time. Maybe that is progress.
I start worrying. Why is it still here? Why will it not go away? I know it will be a while, but every time it comes I feel like I am back at the beginning. But that’s not true. I handle them better. I got used to it and I know how to react. It’s still far from being fixed, but at least I know what it is. I know it by name and feeling and that helps.